The philosophers brain
by Give my socks back
Summary: If you're up for a laugh this is the story for you. It's basically a reconstruction of philosophers stone, but better. haha not really. I really reccommed chapter 4. If you don't read up to that I'm afraid the world will implode! Please submit your revie
1. Chapter 1

Chapter one

Dudley's "do."

Harry Potter was no extraordinary boy. He was a skinny, rather scrawny boy with electric green eyes and a mass of extremely untidy brown hair. In fact; the only thing that was truly extraordinary about Mr Harry Potter, was the large pineapple shaped scar at the top of his forehead. He was in fact, so ordinary, that when his aunt cut his hair in fear of him looking like some sort of ragamuffin; it grew back six months later. And whenever he got angry and happened to have a glass of ribena clasped tight within a sweaty palm, he would drop it in tantrum where it would smash into a million tiny pieces.

It was at this time that Harry grabbed his glasses from the bedside drawers and made his way from the garden shed up to the grand house in which the cobblestone path had led up to. Harry came to the back door, but instead of simply opening the simple duplicated hinge system, he bent down and scrambled through the cat flap, remerging on the other side.

"Get cooking Dudley's birthday risotto Le' crème NOW!" aunt Petunia scolded, as she looked in adoration at her pig faced son.

"Mother… how many presents ARE there?"

"Exactly five hundred-and-thirty-six Duddykins! Your father has been counting all week!"

Harry bit his lip trying not to laugh. Unfortunately for Dudley, he bit it a little too hard. Now Dudley had Birthday treat Risotto La' crème with raspberry ripple.

"YOU !" Dudley Furby screamed at the top of his voice. "I TOLD YOU! LAST YEAR I HAD 537! TWIST ON TH…."

Uncle Vernon tried to restrain his sons outburst, whilst Aunt Petunia closed her eyes, wishing the scene would somehow vanish. Harry stuffed his knuckle in his mouth to stop himself laughing.

"I tell you what dudders - we'll buy you two more on the way! That way you'll have one more than last year! … Oh gosh, look at the time, we'd better be on our way to the zoo…"

_Yeah, where Dudley will find his long lost gorilla family and leave us tragically forever. _-Harry hoped. He waited until the Furby's had cleared out of the kitchen, and reached for his coat, only to find that it was well and truly stuck in his mouth.

"Godammit."

"


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Talking snakes….

Harry entered the reptile house a few hours later. Not that he was expecting anything life changing. Dudley was banging against the glass cage of an enormous python.

"MAKE IT MOVE YOU TART." He shouted at Aunt Petunia. She looked pleadingly at Uncle Vernon. To no avail. As the Furby's moved on, Harry looked at the python.

"Sorry about those. Honestly they have no re…."

Harry was stunned into silence a moment later as the snake blinked beadily up at him.

"C-can you hear me?"

The snake nodded.

"..really?"

Another nod.

"Really?"

Yet again, another nod.

"REALLY?"

"_Yesssss you jerrrrkkkk_."

"Umm, yeah. Sorry. So err, what's it like on Mars?"

The snake pointed to a large sign sadly.

**BRED IN CAPTIVITY.**

Harry spent a moment of connection with the snake as he relieved the sorrow and extreme boredom the animal must suffer day in day out as he shrugged;

"Ah well, shit happens."


	3. Chapter 3

-1Chapter 3.

technical hitch

"GET THE POST HARRY, OR I'LL POST YOU!" Dudley screamed. Another day, another death threat. Same old, same old.

As Harry sorted through the daily post he came across a letter some how different from the rest. As he read the envelope he gawped.

Harry opened the letter carefully and quietly to avoid a confrontation with Dudley. Alas; things were not meant to be. Before Harry could even catch a glimpse of the letter, Dudley had him up by the ankles.

"DAD! HARRY'S GOT A LETTER!"

"

Shut up you great Berk!"

Vernon suddenly appeared out of nowhere.

"Here you go son."

Dudley stuffed the letter into his mouth and gulped it down. "Yum…"

FILM REEL GETS MIXED UP

THAN K YOU FOR WATCHING "THX" ENTERTAINMENT. NOW…

"CARTONS AND DANCING BANANAS ENTER

MUSIC PLAYS AND YOU SING

JLETS ALL GO TO THE LOBBY, LETS ALL GO TO THE LOBBY, LETS ALL GOT TO THE LO-HO-BEEEEEE! TOOOO GETS OURSELVES SOME SNACKS!J

PUTS REEL RIGHT

Editor: oook, sorry about that folks. Now, to cut a long story short, Hagrid says to Harry

"Harry - yer noh a wizard."

And hereby, Harry never becomes a wizard, and never gets to save the philosophers brain.

Haha, only joking. But due to the fact of the mishap, we have skipped a few scenes. Turn to next chapter))


	4. Chapter 4

-1Chapter 4

Sorting

_You may not think I'm pretty;_

_But don't judge on what you see,_

_I'll give you a slap you scandalous brat,_

_Or I'll set my hounds a-free._

_Oh and I'll even eat myself! If you can find,_

_A better hat than me!_

_There is nothing in your head,_

_The sorting hat cannot see,_

_That boy you thought was super fit,_

_Or porn on BBC!_

_So try me on and I will see,_

_Where your meant to be._

_You might belong in Gryffindor,_

_Where dwell the "out of mind"_

_Their daring suicide and chivalry,_

_Is in Gryffindor you'll find._

_You might belong in hufflepuff, _

_Who have no real special ways,_

_Those thick headed Hufflepuffs are true,_

_And unaware of days!_

_Or yet in wise old raven claw,_

"_Boffin" comes to mind._

_Where those of wit and learning,_

_Swot up their massive minds._

_Or perhaps in Slytherin_

_You will make your real friends._

_Those twisted turds use any means,_

_To achieve their ends._

_So put me on! Don't be afraid!_

_And don't you go and cry!_

_You're in safe hands (though I have none.)_

_For I'm a bloody rude guy!_

The small first years stood in shock as the sorting hat turned sound. _Thank goodness! _thought Harry, after all, he only had an innocent mind. Professor McGonagall (they had been introduced earlier.) Was blushing and coughed embarrassedly.

"Right, now. I will call your names. Once you hear your name, you will come over and sit and secure the hat OVER your head."

"HERMIONE GRANGER!"

A bushy haired girl that resembled a porcupine stepped nervously onto the stool. The hat started up once more. Harry cringed for the poor girl.

"Riiiight…. -hmmm - big brain….yerse… BOFF! Hehe, so witty of me… No, I think, GRYFFINDOR!"

A raucous applause followed, and a few minutes later, Ron, Parvarti, Lavender, Goyle, Crabb, and Draco (who was goaded a thoughtless turd before being catapulted to the Slytherin table.) had been sorted.

"HARRY POTTER!"

Harry's knees buckled underneath him.

_Oh god… Oh help… Oh rats…_

He sat nervously on the stool, securing the hat over his head. He waited.

Nothing Happened.

"Er… excuse me…? Mr Hat?"

"NO WAY BILLY! "THAT" IS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN! YOU DI…" Came the sudden scream. There was a moment of stunned silence, then out came a raucous laugh.

"Oh! So sorry… - must have dozed off. Riiight… you…."

Another silence…

"Er… so where do I belong?"

"Well, all of them really. You have absolutely dim-witted tendencies, and yet you have quite a brain, just too lazy to use it. Then your VERY crazy - but you do have a talent for the drak arts…"

"Why you son of a…" Harry didn't finish.

"What! I only speak the truth!"

"You put me in Gryffindor… RIGHT NOW!"

"Oooh! Hard nut! Whatcha gonna do about me then, eh?"

"You just wait, I'll stitch your ugly face up!"

"OO-HOO-HOO! I'M _SHAKING…_"

"RIGHT NOW YOU #?L "

"Oh ooook…. HUFFLEPUFF!"

"YOU MOT…."

"GO MR POTTER!" Shouted Mrs McGonagall angrily whilst Hufflepuff cheered, and the hat giggled.

"No… I was only joking…. No bring him back… No - really…"


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

The dorms.

"Now, may we all find our beds." Professor Dumbledore smiled at the students. Everyone got up and started to file to their dormitories.

"Oh, and Mr Harry Potter, I would like a word, If I please,"

Harry's heart squelched. Was he already expelled? Well it might be worth it - I mean… _Hufflepuff _for goodness sake! It was enough to make anyone suicidal. He waited untilt eh hall was silent.

"I believe the hat did not put you in a pleasing house?"

Harry paused for a moment, then shook his head. "To tell you the truth, no." He said bluntly. Dumbledore smiled.

"Well, for one, I believe that you should be in a comfortable house in which you are suited to you. I ah… er, do not think _Hufflepuff_ will er… shall we say, nurture your talents."

"Tell me about it…"

"Ah, do not interrupt Harry, patience is a virtue. I think personally, as a courageous you student, _Gryffindor _would suit you better. You shall share a room with Mr Ron Weasley, Neville Longbottom, Seamus Finnagun, and Dean Thomas."

Harry grinned. "Cheers Mr D." He turned to leave.

"Err, Harry, before you depart for bed, I hope and not the messing about that first years normally practise, because I _know _you'll want to be on your _best _behaviour…. Is there anything, you wish to ask me?

The question in Harry's mind rang like several alarm bells. Of course he did… but he was afraid to ask.

"Er yes, sir… why is your pet hat, err, why, do you let him publicly humiliate hundreds of people each year without the slightest regard to their poor battered, bruised and humiliated egos?"

Dumbledore looked surprised. "Err, I see you feel very passionate about this, Mr Potter. Well, the sorting hat has been at Hogwarts since this school was founded. We cannot simply get _rid_ of him. It would be sacrilege!

"Although you'd like to, wouldn't you Albus?" Came a muffled squeak from between Professor Dumbledore's armpit.

"Shut up you insufferable hat." He squawked. Harry sniggered. Always follow your elders, they set the example, came to mind.

"Well. He really was alright before this became a _mixed_ school. Shall we say?"

"Well you're still virgin Proff…."

"SHUTUP!"

"Touu-chy…"

"I'll deal with you later…" Dumbledore said through the corners of his teeth, before plastering a big fake smile all over his face. "Now you err, run along Harry, we'll see each other soon…"

"Beewaaare Harry, Beeeewaaare….." Came the last reply Harry heard as he ran out of the hall in hysterics.

"Welcome Misterrrrr, Harry Potter!" Screamed Ron, catapulting himself off of his double bed onto Harry. "Hey mate - bloody hell - weren't you supposed to eb in Hufflepuff. Ah well, we don't mind. We don't blame you because you're thick…."

"Oi - I'm not thick!" Harry laughed, but his whole heart wasn't in it.

"Oh right - sure Harry. Hey thanks for the show up there, we were in fits of laughter!"

"That hat needs putting in line!"

Ron, Dean and Seamus burst out laughing.

"No honestl…"

"I don't get it." Neville interjected. This just made Harry's new companions laugh harder.

"I'm going to bed." Harry huffed, pulling his hangings closed.

* * *

inote: Sorry If this is a bit - er, bitty? It's a work in progress, and I'm a fraid I haven't all the time in the world :) By the way, my reviews are empty, and they say they are getting lonely... hint hint hint... 


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Lets play Voodoo

Harry slammed his book shut for a second time. "What… WHAT?" He let his mouth go. Professor Snape was deliberately bothering him.

"Oh, Mr Potter… I think there was an old lady in another street that didn't hear that. Would you care to say that again."

"Hmmm… yes." He didn't mean it; it just popped out of his mouth. Snape's eyes glistened with a mixture of anger and malice.

"I… dare you." He grinned evilly.

"Well, now that you ask me, I don't think I want to."

"Are you asking for a detention?"

"No, I don't think I am."

"Your attitude seems to be asking for one."

"Does it now, I might just have to tell it off one day. Thank you, bye bye…"

"Potter! You will serve a detention with me all next week 7 til 9."

"I will, will I?"

"Yes, I think you'll find you will."

"Well I might just take you up on that offer."

"Yes, you would do well to."

"As long as there is tea and scones I'll be there Mr S."

"Po… You…. Son of a… GET OUT OF MY CLASSROOM!"

Harry piled his books into his bag furiously, then walked swiftly out of the classroom, all the eyes of the first years looking adoringly at their new hero. Harry didn't care. First the sorting hat - no Snape. Could he handle much more crap? Probably not. He was at the end of his tether.

Slumping to the floor Harry sketched a very rude picture of Snape upon a piece of Parchment where he drew many carnivorous beats on the tail of a panic stricken professor. He smiled. Somehow feeding his new teacher to carnivorous leeches did not quite fit his crime.

"That was amazing Harry!"

"Yeah great - whizzo, wow, eureka Harry! You told him! Wow…"

Harry had to admit, he did rather enjoy the praise he was given after his performance, even though he felt like something the cat had brought in. Hermione glared at him.

"I can't believe you Harold. That is because you are unbelievably unbelievable. You could be expelled! -Or even worse, fed to carnivorous leeches!"

"Really?" he began to panic.

"No."

"Whydya tell me that then?"

"Because you are an insufferable male and I don't like your attitude one bit. That, my dear blockheaded, dim-witted, pineapple-scarred friend, is why."

"Oh _right…"_ It all made sense NOW.

"Hey, Harry, what have we got next?" Harry turned to Ron.

"Um, I think transfiguration. -Oh, no.. wait… Broom Practise!"

"WOAH YEAH! Give madam Hooch a bit of that cheek she'll probably have you flying fifty feet from a broom in the air and wacking you with the soggy ends!"

"Jeeze… thanks…"


	7. Chapter 7

-1Broom practice

"And now… up!"

As 27 pupils all screamed up at their defiant brooms, Harry's came easily. Jumping with excitement as the smooth maghony handle fitted perfectly into his palm. Madame Hooch acknowledged his secret achievement with a smile. _And a whip… _

_What the heck is wrong with this place…?_

"Nobody likea a know-it-all Mr Potter."

Harry was about to answer back when Rons "Soggy ends… soggy ends… soggy ends…" Echoed inside his head.

"Right, when I say, you will all mount your brooms and lean softly forwards, and…"

They all paused as an unfortunate boy called Neville Longbottom began to float higher and higher.

"Come down at once Longbottom!" Hooch shrieked. But Neville rose higher and higher, the broom jerking him about so violently he could well plummet down to earth awaiting a grisly, but oh so gossip worthy death.

"Heavens! I'll be sued! It's done for! I'm finished! WHY? WHY HAVE YOU FORESAKEN MEEEEE?" Madame Hooch shrieked, falling to her knees. Harry rolled his eyes and Neville gave one last scream andfell onto a protruding spike.

_CEEEWWWWWHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRKKKKK…._

Was the sudden squelching noise as it entered Neviiles head and came out the other side. Lovely.

"Oh my god! Oh MY GOD!" Hermione shrieked, nearly fainting dead away. As Neville shriked back,

"I'm oooookkkkk….!"

"But your BRAIN!"

"Oh yeah…those things. My nan says I don't deserve one until I tidy my room."


	8. Chapter 8

-1Gobstopper

Harry's insides flared as he watched Malfoy smirk. Madame Hooch ordered everyone to look away as Neville was removed from the rusty spike. It was strange, Neville was quite calm about his potentially fatal; and considerably gross wound.

"You are to stay firmly on the ground whilst I take Neville to the hospital wing." Madame Hooch said panic stricken. There was raucous laugh and applause as Neville put the broom handle through his head and it appeared on the other side.

"And get that Broom out of your head!" She screamed and took him inside.

"I wonder perhaps were I should leave this for Longbottom? Perhaps I should give it to Madame Pomfrey to slit between his ears before she heals him up. At least he'd have something to fill his ears…" Malfoy laughed at his own joke; not quite realising he was alone in the matter.

"You give that back Malfoy." Harry grabbed at the slimy gobstopper Malfoy had in his hand.

"No way, perhaps I'll will -" Malfoy clambered on to his broom and shot into the sky to the hostpital wing. Harry followed suite.

"Give it back or I'll knock you off your broom!"

"So try me…"

Harry swooped at Malfoy, taking him by surprise he slipped and fell. Harry grabbed his hand, hauled Malfoy back onto his broom.

"Why did you do that?" Malfoy said, looking stunned.

"Well…." Harry was stuck - why the hell had he…?

"So I could do it again!" He shoved Malfoy so hard again Malfoy plummeted to a grisly death, this time however, not be aided back onto his broom again By Harry. He heard a piercing shriek and landed suite. There was Malfoy, sprawled spread eagled upon the ground.

"Oops…"

There was a sound of running footsteps behind him.

"Mr Malfoy! I've never seen…"

She glared at Harry.

"I've never seen a person so TALENTED at falling!"

Malfoy seemed to dazed to speak, indeed, half of his brain (he did have one, unlike Neville) Was showing pink and slimy through his obliterated skull.

"Yeah, My mummy says I look good in her knickers too…"

And so it was; the new seeker for Slytherin team.


	9. Chapter 9

-1Chapter 9

"Come on sweetheart, no come on dol, no really, come on Mrs M, not _that _He only broke his head open and had to have critical brain surgery… what was the harm? He's on the team isn't he, Come on Miss!"

"Mr Potter! You do not seem to recognise the seriousness of this matter!"

"Mi, gonna be like… expelled?"

"…No. We would not want that for a person such as… such as you Mr Potter."

"Then were the hell are we going?"

"To find wood."

Was Wood… A Quidditch captain? Some sort of extremely skilled player that was going to acquaint him with his new found Gryffindor team. Professor M opened a huge, rusty door.

"She brought out a large box. Opening it incredibly slowly, almost savouring the pleasure she brought ut a long, polishes cane.

"Come on toots… c'mon…. Can't I just be expelled?"

"Oh no, I would much rather you pay a lesson, as I'm sure you'd take much pleasure out of being expelled."

She brought it slamming down onto his behind.

Harry winced as he dived out of the way and hit the floor, he could hear the cane whistle past and slap the ground just beside his left ear.

"MR POTTER!"

"I've never…"

He winced, preparing himself for the blow.

"Seen a person so good at DIVING."

And so it was, the next and successful Gryffindor Quidditch team player.

Unfortunately, Draco Malfoy's brain fell out and he was unable to play Quidditch anymore. Thus came the end to a wonderful, yet extremely swift Quidditch career.


	10. Chapter 10

-1Inote: Ok, for some reason, lots of body parts are being introduced. I don't know why but the loss of body parts seems rather funny to me today - haha.

Chapter 10

"So Harry, you knocked up ragamuffin - is one to be packed up to that dirty Muggle family of one's?"

Draco held his heavily selotaped head together. Harry however, felt as if he were the cat that got the cream.

"Not so big you've had half your brain removed and had it stuck into Neville's then are you? Oh yeah, nice wig - oh no, I forgot that Madame Pomfrey masking tape…"

"Shut your trap you rude Brinkytunk. You wait till my father hears of your wild exploits. In the meanwhile…." Malfoy took out his belt a rubber glove. He slapped Harry violently on each shoulder. "I challenge you to a duel!"

"Yeah whatever Malfoy. When I'm finished with you, you won't just have a taped up head - You'll be total superglue."

"Yeah…" Ron chuckled. "I'm his second."

"Then you have accepted. I shall meet you tonight, with, or without the pieces…"

There was a moments silence as Draco swept away, then a shrill voice piped up behind him.

"I couldn't help overhearing…"

"Well let me hhelp you then.." Ron said to the agonisingly annoying Hermione Granger, tugging her ear violently. She screamed. Ron held her left ear in his hand.

Harry got out of bed. Today hadn't been the best of days - (Neville's head seemed to be somewhat brainprooofed, and Malfoy's other half seemed to have slipped out again during the night.) And now, probably it was going to get worse. Gathering himself, he woke Ron and began his escapade downstairs.

A lam flickered on.

"_You!" _Ron screamed. "Damn it - I thought I got the message through to you earlier - I don't like you. I have never liked you. I will never like you - I don't like you damn it!"

"I almost told Percy. Percy the prefect - he'd put a top to you.. Ronald, Harold. And my ear is absolutely fine, thank you very much for asking."

"It wasn't my fault, must have gone rotten from all the bloody eavesdropping you've been dropping."

"Come on.." Harry pushed Ron through the portrait who protested sleepily. Hermione followed holding her ear on angrily.

"You selfish buggers! Damn it - you _do_ only care about yourselves…!"

"Do you hear a wild banshee calling from a far off land? Or is it just an annoying little mosquito in my ear saying hello, I love the taste of your earwax? Either way, It's annoying me Harry - could you get rid of it?"

"I warned you. I have warned you…" Hermione gritted her teeth only to find that the fat lady was no longer there and she was locked outside.

"Oh no!" Ron and Hermione cried - Ron in more shock of being left outside with her.

"Oh joy. Well come on Ron, I've found away to get rid of that beetle, or whatever it was.."

"You simply cannot just leave me here!"

"-or me…"

Another voice squeaked from the staircase. There stood the shadowed form of Neville.

"Hey Neville - how's the head?"

"Well, I just came back from the wing see… the brain kept falling out - It's not fair."

"Ah well, lifes a bitch and then you die…"

"LETS GO…"

"Right ho - I'm coming with you."

"YOU ARE NOT!" Ron cried in incredulously.

"Well I'm not waiting around for Filch, and you can't stop me, so I really can't see a reason why not!"

"But no.. that's just wrong…"

Harry stood in the trophy room, waiting.. Waiting… it was past midnight, and no-one had turned up. Malfoy had set him up.

_Malfoy… you just wait. I hope you have a car crash and get thrown off a cliff and plummet to the bottom of the sea and drown and then get eaten by a shark and then get buried by a load of sand and then get made into glass and then get hit by a bus and then get smashed in a jail robbery and then I want to stamp on your grave and then I want to chew on the flowers pansy puts by your grave and spit them into your skull and then resurrect you and then stab you and then repeat the process again…_

_….and so on and so forth._

His thoughts were destroyed as a gravely voice reached their ears.

"Sniff them out my sweet.. Sniff, breathe and inhale, sniff… and I don't mean the drug… sniff my sweet, sniff my sweet sugar cane… Is it nice, is it tasty?"

Harry and Ron both looked at each other panic stricken. "Run…"

They all ran, catapulting themselves onto the staircase…

Which unfortunately moved just as they were about to step onto it and they all feel to their grisly deaths.

CUT

Barry! What the hell are you doing - Harry's the star you nincompoop, they can't just simply DIE - that's not in the plot!"

Barry: Well what am I supposed to do?

Harry is supposed to NEARLY die. You know, suffer a lot be on the brink of death, recover then repeat…

Barry: But doesn't that get a bit boring…?

Hey - It's one of the great mysteries of the universe, like Eastenders… or… kids…"

Barry: thinks of eastendesr episode Point taken.

ACTION

Harry, Ron Hermione, and Neville shut the heavy oak door and shut all 37 bolts before relaxing. Peeves cackled outside the door at Filch.

"Peeves, tell me where zee students are!"

"Okay…."

"tell me then!"

"Up your arse!"

Whilst the wild fight of Filch and Peeves raged on, the small gang sighed a wave of relief. Neville whimpered. "What Neville? What…"

His heart nearly exploded.

There stood…

The biggest…

The fiercest…

The most terrifying…

Pink…

Fluffy…

Bunny rabbit he had ever seen.

It grinned and offered them a carrot.

"RUUUUUUUUUNNNN!"

Harry desperately scrabbled with all 37 keys and codes. The rabbit got closer and closer with it's foreboding carrot as he scrabbled with the locks. It opened it's massive jaws to reveal two massive, blunt blocks protruding from it's upper jaws, and came closing together again…

Harry slammed the door shut just as the bunny made a move to envelope them in a bone crunching hug. The image of the terrifying rabbit entered his head again, and he remembered the large kinder slide that went out of site into a floor below. Was it guarding something?


End file.
